How to write a good blog, teaspoon testicle shit.

Quite a pretentious/ambitious start eh? So let’s scale it down a bit.

1. I’ve never blogged before
2. I don’t read blogs (until very recently)
3. In short, I’m completely unqualified to write on this subject.

However, faced with the terror of trying something new, and a paralysing fear of judgement, I thought I’d just bulldoze through my usual procrastination, and go for broke.
So join me tentatively pulling on the nose hair of my heroic, but misplaced enthusiasm.

Back on topic.

The formula for writing a good blog is this: 20% Observation 20% Honesty 20% Randomness 20% Swearing 20% Guff 1% punctuation. Yes that’s 101%, so don’t feel you need to worry about the last percent. Miss Bickerstaff isn’t going to correct your work. I know some people get all upset with bad punctuation, and my answer is “Fuck off Shakespeare. No one’s handing out gold stars just because you know how to use an apostrophe. Git.” Not to their face of course, I just nod in agreement, tutting in shared disgust.

20% Observation : Base your blog in some kind of reality we all can relate with. Like : Trains uh? Eh? Blimey those trains. Ha! Trains on them tracks, moving people to work and that. See what I did there? Straight away you know what I’m talking about, and you’re thinking ‘Gosh! Yeah them trains. I’ve been on one of those’.

20% Honesty : Connect with your audience. Get them on your side, with some frank self-deprecating fact. Like : I once knocked one out watching the gymnastics . Already you’re with me. Yeah?.....

20% Randomness : Make ‘em laugh son, and their knickers will just fall to the floor. Nothing is funnier than some unexpected zany combo. Like : Oh I was as angry as a wasp in jam trousers. Or. Oh I was as angry as a bee in velcro trousers. Ha! You’ll have to give me a moment.... OK OK i’m fine.

20% Swearing : Are you listening shit head? Anyone who’s watched TV knows that people have very short attention spans, and so you need to keep them focused. Not only is it a little naughty (and therefore cool), but you can also use it to emphasis a point like : Fill the cup with hot water, add the teabag, stir, remove teabag, add milk. Cunt.

20% Guff : Don’t blow your load in the first few sentences. No one’s going to take your blog seriously unless it’s at least half an A4 in length. Plus you’ve got to give your audience a chance to catch their breath. Try repeating yourself, or just copy and paste lots of quotes from someone else (but never quote anyone more interesting than you).

Follow the formula and you’ll do just fine. Or you could just do a list.

Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “That’s not how you do brain surgery Nobhead”