How to shit on Jesus

The problem with physics is that it’s just not very physical anymore.

Physics used to be about intuitive stuff we could all get behind : laws of motion, gravity, magnetism, rockets and bombs. When you start saying stuff can now be in two places at the same time, and questioning whether Russian dogs exist or not, it all starts to get a bit messy and dangerously off topic.

The universe is this really weird place, and crazy shit happens, and we don’t know why. We need something to fill this void of confusion and multidimensional question marks. Welcome back God! Why not? Tap ‘physics’ and ‘God’ into Amazon and you’d think we’re on the brink of discovering God under a super string.

So if physics has spewed into the realms of counter intuitive preachings that require faith, then we better start calling it what it is. Physianity or Physicism no, er physical witnesses?

My advice is to calm down, double check your sums, maybe do a spot of gardening for a bit, the answer will come. But if you are hell bent on creating a new, better, stronger, faster, religion...

The formula for shitting on Jesus is this: 80% Rules 5% Magic 5% Plot 5% Prediction 5% Nonsense

80% Rules : Avoid awkward questions you don’t have the answers to. Tell them what they should be doing instead of asking frankly impertinent questions. This is going to take up most of your time, and that’s ok, this is the fun stuff. Don’t do that, put that down, stop playing with that, stop coveting your neighbours donkey, all that stuff. It’s recommended you have a rule for everything to keep the fuckers in line. Really try to get creative, you’re up against stiff competition. Instead of ‘touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7’ try ‘If you turn left more than you turn right in a day, you must give your iPad back’.

5% Magic : Fortunately the world of physics isn’t short on miracles, but they need jazzing up a bit. Like water into wine, they need to provide a real benefit. How about: A thimbleful of a neutron star would weigh over 100 million tons, and if you swallow it you will get a much bigger dick.

5% Plot : Everyone likes a good story. It’s also a cunning way to crowbar your doctrine into unsuspecting minds. It’s highly lucrative too, just ask George Lucas. He’s pretty much covered all the angles. Instead of Charlton Heston in a chariot, he’s got that annoying kid in a pod race. Instead of the power of God, he gave us complicated blood types. Instead of leprosy, George gave us jar jar binks.

5% Prediction : Followers need something to look forward to, and something to be scared shitless of. The bad stuff to motivate the masses to follow your rules. And the good stuff so your believers can feel smug and superior. Forget eternal damnation and torment, it just doesn’t cut the mustard in our modern age. Instead try : Non-believers don’t get as many twitter followers. And for the good stuff? I dunno. Heaven has a wi-fi connection.

5% Nonsense : Wars are the best way to eliminate the competition, and gain new followers. But you need some contradictions in your doctrine to get the whole thing started. Nothing necessarily meaningful or important, folks are generally pretty keen on kicking the shit out of other folks, just enough to tip the balance.

Okay good luck! I look forward to all the oppression!

Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “TV you can have a good wank to”