Welcome to my second lecture. It's been a while, but these things take a lot of research.
(Note to the MrsBickerstaff233: HA! I didn't realise they were my wife’s fingers! Anyway thanks for your patience, this one is for you! PS. Say hi to the wife for me. Does she read these?)
So, brain surgery. What is it? This is the question that has obsessed the nation. How often have you heard people carefully eliminating the possible theories. “Plumbing? It’s not brain surgery”, or “Pet grooming? It’s not brain surgery”. We definitely seem to know what it isn’t, but can’t quite put our finger on what it actually is. For this reason some people have suggested that brain surgery is like choosing the right wallpaper for the hallway. However, it turns out they’re not even close.
Brain surgery is hacking off the top of your skull to spoon out the mouldy stuff. Normally to remove memories of badly written blogs. I’m joking of course (It’s fucking embarrassing when people point out their own shit jokes. If it was funny I’d have laughed. Now I’ve got to be polite and do an awkward chuckle. Did you see what I did there?). Sadly brain surgery is normally undertaken for things like tumours, and aneurysms. Stuff that really isn’t going to make a difference. So for the betterment of mankind (A general theme for these lectures), this formula is for what you should be fixing, once you’ve got the lid off. Now you know what it is, you may want to try it yourself.
The formula for proper use of brain surgery is this: 20% Hope 20% Scepticism 20% Self improvement 20% Musical ability 10% Freestyle 10% Lego
20% Hope, the removal of : Hope all too often mutates into a form of stupidity inflicting Lottery players, and X Factor contestants. Whilst once inspirational and valuable, hopes turn into seemingly preordained truths . “I hope I can make it as a singer” turns into “This competition is my life! I was born to do this! Please Simon! I let you jizz on my tits and everything!”.
20% Scepticism, add generous amounts : We're suckers for crap therapy. Slogans and bubble gum phrases masquerading as therapy or universal truths because of wordplay or association. If you don't know how to spot these, just check for the words: always, never, all, none, astrological, Maybelline, Gok and Wan.
20% Self improvement, remove the need for : Not the learning of new skills, but the kind of self improvement that means looking like Beckham, smelling like Audrey Tautou, eating like Oliver, and pretending you don’t wank. Face facts. You’re ugly, you stink, you eat shit because it tastes good, and wanking is the one thing you’re really good at.
20% Musical ability, removal of : Anyone that can play an instrument is secretly and jealously hated by everyone. And cut off his ridiculous pony tail while you’re at it. Do this while singing the crazy frog, set to repeat.
10% Freestyle : Shit, you’re elbow deep in brain matter, have some fun.
10% Lego : We’ve removed quite a lot, so add Lego for ballast.
Ok that’s it. Just a quick check to see I haven’t meaninglessly used the word cunt. No, good to go.
Tune in again soon for the next lecture: “How to shit on Jesus”
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